Ups and Downs

Some days I barely notice I have it. I moisturise and apply various creams in the morning then get just on with my day. Other times it really gets me down. I am aware of the scabs on my arms while I am working. Oh, how I long for clear skin.

I can go a whole day without feeling itchy then get home in the evening and it all flares up. Once it was so bad I had to take a cold shower to distract my skin – and my brain – from the burning itching that seemed to be all over my body. I would never normally ever take a cold shower. They’re the worst.

I listen to friends offloading about their problems, “I need to lose weight” “ I hate my job” etc and while I sympathise, in the back of my mind I’m thinking – “try dealing with your problem COVERED IN SCABS!” arrghghghh

 

Educating Yourself On Psoriasis

Psoriasis info from a positive angle.. “Psoriasis can be turned from a stress-inducing disorder into a manageable annoyance.” Yes!

Being Me in My Own Skin

Psoriasis is a particularly unpleasant condition. First there are the skin patches. Then there’s the embarrassment and hiding that goes along with them – long-sleeved shirts, jeans in hot weather and turtle necks year-round. And not least of all, there are the associated health risks: an increased likelihood of stroke, heart problems, and cancer, and the possibility of psoriatic arthritis among them. But education can go a long way toward reducing the stigma and health problems of psoriasis, and they can do a lot to make you feel at peace with your condition. Here are a few ways to learn about psoriasis.

1. Learn What Psoriasis Is

Psoriasis is an immune-mediated disease with a large genetic component. That means it results from a malfunctioning of the body’s immune system and, though we don’t know exactly what causes it, it tends to run in families and involves the interaction of many…

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Photos

Ok, here I am baring myself for all to see. No point in banging on about it if no one really knows what it is…

If anyone else has had this kind of Psoriasis and has any suggestions of things I can do to help, then please get in touch. I’m not even sure it is Guttate Psoriasis as the scab should supposedly be quite small and some of mine are quite big. Any experts out there got any ideas?

This is on my left leg and is one of the first ones i noticed. It is really irritating and hard not to scratch (aren’t they all…) It is roughly the size of a 10p coin. These might be a bit close up and graphic. I am not sorry if you see this and have a sensitive stomach and are grossed out because I have to see these every day:

Yum. Next this is on my right leg above my knee:

These ones bug me the most even though they are the easiest to hide as they are on my tummy. I can deal with the ones on my arms for some reason, perhaps because I have to daily as people see my arms the most.

Finally the newest addition to the collection, the FACE scabs! Arghhhh! They are lurking in my hairline and only showed up a few days ago…perhaps a week at the most. There is one on my cheek that I am ignoring. If I don’t believe in it, then it doesn’t exist, right? Right?

The first time I counted them there was 19. A few weeks later there was 24. I didn’t count for a while but two days ago there were 45…not counting the ones on my scalp I can’t see.

I know people out there have hundreds and are in far worse states than me and I sympathise. I might look back on these photos at some point in the future and wish my skin was as clear as this if it just continues getting worse, who knows.

Let’s hope not.

*scratches*

The title of this blog

Just a quick note about the title of this blog.

It comes from a song by the Manic Street Preachers called ‘Faster’

“I am idiot drug hive, the virgin, the tattered and the torn
Life is for the cold made warm and they are just lizards
Self-disgust is self-obsession honey and I do as I please
A morality obedient, only to the cleansed repented”

It is on an album called The Holy Bible which is utterly brilliant and cover issues to do with self image, anorexia, self harm, capitalism, the holocaust… Sounds like a lot of doom and gloom but it will rock your socks off. Or your face. Or both, depending on how you prefer to be rocked.

Here is one of my favourite pictures of them from how they were back in the day. Boys in eyeliner. Yes please:

and a more colourful one. Just because:

Now go and do your ears a favour and listen to them.

 

But what about this blog? Oh yeah! Back to business…I got a little distracted.

Everyone would like to change something about themselves. These days it seems most people are obsessed with trying to lose weight, or at least obsessed with talking about it while they tuck into another packet of crisps….*yawn* Change is good, self improvement is ace but self disgust and wallowing is bad and is self obsession and no one wants to listen to or be around that.

It is a phrase that pops into my head from time to time when I realise I am becoming a bit too focused on all the things that are going wrong. It reminds me to snap out of it, to go and do something else, to take a deep breath and smile.

I am not disgusted with myself. I am not always happy about the things that are happening to my body but I am dealing with it by not being too obsessed and disgusted. So it is a positive statement reminding me not to dwell on my psoriasis.

Hello!

Wow, I have people following this blog already.

Hello!

I was not expecting that, especially not so soon. This must be an issue that touches many people and it is nice to know I am not alone. I have spoken to friend and colleagues about my psoriasis (on occasion I have lied when I didn’t feel like talking about it, pretending they are bites, or something) and sometimes someone will say ‘i know someone who had that’ or ‘a friend had something similar’ but I haven’t actually met anyone with the same condition, even though it’s not thaaaat rare.

Later on today if I am organised enough I will post some photos so you can see just what I am dealing with. Then hopefully in a few weeks/months/who knows how long I can post improvement photos and we can all have a party.

Picking Scabs

I pick my nails, if I have a spot I have to squeeze it – I’m just one of those people, there is a scientific word for us but I can’t remember it. Now I have psoriasis I pick at that too. I know I shouldn’t, it makes it more itchy and sometimes bleed but half the time I’m sure I do it subconsciously and I only notice when its too late.

I decided I needed to cover up the larger scabs on my belly with plasters to stop me from picking at them.  This worked for a few days but somehow this evening I have managed to peel off all the plasters, pick at all the scabs – which is SO worth it for about 3 seconds – now I am sitting here while my belly burns with itchyness and desperately trying and failing not to scratch it even more.

That’ll teach me.

More plasters before bedtime probably…Which will need replacing in the morning after a shower. This could get expensive. If there are any plaster companies out there that want to send me free plasters in return for me raving about how amazing they are on here, then please do.

I have Psoriasis.

I have Psoriasis.

..It is a condition without a cure and with a variety of treatments with a variety of results on different people. It’s confusing. Which is why I am writing this. This is my experience as I work through it. Hopefully I can help someone else to work through their own experience…

Gutatte Psoriasis is what the Doctor called it. I have had it since around February so approximately four months. It started on my leg. I was getting an addition to a tattoo on my left leg and noticed a little scabby bit of skin. The tattooist was able to go around it and it didn’t affect the design. Next thing I know I have an itchy leg and after I scratch it, I am bleeding. This was followed by what I thought to be a trail of bug bites across my tummy. At this point I did not know they were all related.

The doctor essentially told me I was stuck with it and gave me some cream.

A little trip to Google Images properly freaked me out and I haven’t been back since. But at least I know I don’t have it half as bad as some other people.

Since seeing how badly others were affected I have been terrified of it appearing on my face.

Yesterday I found two new little scabs appearing. One on my cheek and another nearer to my eye. It has also appeared along my hairline this week.

(I call them scabs. Others call them lesions but I think that word is much worse)

Earlier in the week I felt positive and ready to fight it. I felt as if I had been through various emotional stages…

Denial, Anger, Depression then finally Acceptance.

I was in mourning for the loss of my beautiful smooth skin.  I thought if I ignored the psoriasis that it might just go away the same way it appeared, without me really noticing to begin with. I was angry I hadn’t worn more bikinis or truly appreciated how beautiful my body was before it became inflicted with itchy scabs. I was resentful and annoyed at all the beautiful people out there calling themselves ugly or hating their bodies when there really was nothing to hate. I have felt very sorry for myself, weeping in a corner asking ‘why me?’ but earlier in the week I felt like I had made a breakthrough. I spoke on the phone with my parents about how I was ready to fight it. I am researching to see if changing the food I’m eating will help me. I am getting advice from a friend who is a nutritionist. I am making a promise to myself to relax more in case it is stress related, I will meditate every day, I will book myself in for a massage as soon as possible. I will think more positively.

Then I found the newest scabs on my face. Now its Friday night, my friends are at a house party while I am miserable at home. I have been crying. I have been frustrated. I have been trying to read psoriasis related things online but only finding contradictions which has only annoyed me further.

I am pretty pissed off. This skin disease simply must be stopped.